Self-Preservation
Reverb10 Daily Prompt – December 5th
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
Today’s prompt from Reverb10 really threw me, but not like it should have. It should have some stronger emotional repercussions than what they currently are. Everyone who is participating is tweeting that they had a hard time thinking about the answer and what it meant for them, or how the prompt stopped them in their tracks. I read it, and I immediately felt the weight behind asking a question like that, but it was an empty weight. One typically doesn’t ask a question like that unless there’s the existence of an emotionally close relationship present. It’s a question new lovers ask each other when they are spending every waking moment learning everything about each other. It’s a question a therapist asks a new patient once they’ve gained their trust for the first time. It’s not a topic usually stepped into lightly.
Earlier today, a friend asked me about my year in general. I responded that it was a pretty okay year, but I remember sitting there thinking – I didn’t have a good year, I actually had a pretty horrible year. And the fact that I just tend to answer happily about whatever I’m asked, regardless of how I truly feel – it’s not a healthy mentality to have nor is it one I usually adhere to. So I corrected myself, saying I had a weird and off year and parts of it were pretty bad. When he asked what specifically was so bad, I couldn’t really pin down why. I just remember feeling multiple times this year that I wasn’t happy at all. And that’s the closest to depressed I think I’ve ever been. I tend to consider myself a fairly happy person and I don’t like feeling like this.
I think the problem behind all of this has been not letting go. I’ve spent the entire year dealing with things and people, that of course I should have as any other responsible adult would, but I also think that now I am being charged with letting go of all of it. I have to stop focusing on everyone else. I have to stop trying to make sure I am there for others without first making sure I’m there for myself. And most of all, I have to learn to stop carting everyone and everything along with me everywhere. I’ve adjusted to moving around so many times and struggled to hold on to every last person I meet just in case I have to leave again. I have to learn to stop hoarding and to simply let go.
